tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-188711872012-02-16T01:34:41.175-05:00A sarcastic, snarky, exaggerated, wise-ass, smartass, ironical, satirical, cynical, deadpan, tongue-in-cheek, biting, smart-alecky, random, sardonic, humorous, scathing, and/or mocking commentary on whatever I feel like commenting on!Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.comBlogger611100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-90145281991989432932009-01-26T13:25:00.004-05:002009-01-26T13:57:47.674-05:00

Work has begun on the George W. Bush Presidential Library on the campus of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas. Possible books include How To Lose Friends And Alienate People: A Memoir, Goodnight Bush, a heavily notated copy of Leadership for Dummies, and his large collection of Archie Comics.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-28745011260794808182008-07-20T11:28:00.005-04:002008-07-20T11:57:23.007-04:00

There should be a limit to how long you can advertise that you were voted "best of..." something. As a conscientious consumer with a tendency for over analysis, if I see an ad promoting a business that was voted, let's say, "Best Car Wash, 2001" I think to myself: "Self, what has happened the last seven years? Did they start using hot dog water instead of fresh water?" Missing the cut for a year

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-60480921615401482552008-05-03T11:53:00.000-04:002008-05-03T11:53:17.443-04:00

From meager beginnings 30 years ago, we are blessed today with a daily stream of annoyances in the form of backwater home remedy cures for erectile dysfunction, surefire one penny stock tips, pyramid schemes, and et cetera. And we have Gary Thuerk to thank, who on May 3, 1978 sent a sales email to 393 users on Arpanet (then a U.S. government computer network and the predecessor of today's

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1161957991706085622008-03-26T17:17:00.000-04:002008-03-27T16:31:23.557-04:00

soupy canned sweetcornworse than runny scrambled eggsthe thought makes me ralph

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-73322824215244045322008-02-23T10:59:00.003-05:002008-02-23T11:06:37.173-05:00

J.Lo has made a difficult decision after the delivery of twins early Friday. She's decided to give up one for adoption to Angelina, who can now check off "adopt Hispanic baby" from here "1,000 things to do before I buy a small country" list. Next up, save an Inuit village from global warming.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-15203154658333275212007-10-30T08:59:00.000-04:002007-10-30T10:05:12.882-04:00

In this age of low-rise jeans and low-slung trousers, is there an official modern term for the outdated plumber's crack. This is not meant to offend our friendly neighborhood potable pipe maintenance technicians that might hold an affinity to the description, but it's now a more widespread epidemic. Needlessly viewable on trains, in bars, and at the grocery, to name only a few. Well, no sooner do

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-60200340591162771022007-09-18T09:46:00.000-04:002007-09-18T09:53:24.793-04:00

Today, I saw somebody driving a BMV with the vanity plate "BMW." Is this necessary? Was the licence plate "IMEgo" already taken? There's a prisoner somewhere who took time making that plate when they could have been studying for their GED or Associate's degree. I just filed paperwork to get the plate "PINTO."

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1141589551651801702007-07-11T17:05:00.000-04:002007-07-11T14:08:17.096-04:00

According to the Associated Press, Merriam-Webster has updated its Collegiate Dictionary, which goes on sale this fall with about 100 newly added words.A few added include ginormous (a personal fave), DVR, and flex-cuff. Although I submitted several words for submission, all were sadly rejected. Here's just one sample:Sarcastricfication: the act of overdoing it with sarcasm to the point that

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-42240557266606781492007-06-25T08:20:00.000-04:002007-06-25T11:40:07.087-04:00

It is rumored by a most dubious source that while brainstorming ideas for a new ad campaign, one S_A_D_D student marketing intern suggested the concept "Friends don't let dead friends drive."Once said marketeer was sober, he realized the true stupidity of his thinking.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-18643886790796241922007-05-18T11:18:00.000-04:002007-05-18T11:27:57.878-04:00

The movie Fracture was released in late April with the tagline "if you look close enough, you'll find everyone has a weak spot." No sh*t! Even if a person's entire body is covered with a steel plate, they have a weakness to fire. Hollywood, please stop stating the obvious.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-3524775052306744392007-04-25T13:53:00.000-04:002007-04-25T14:40:14.098-04:00

LONDON (Reuters) - A large English cheddar cheese has become a star of the Internet, attracting more than 1 million viewers to sit and stare at it as it slowly ripens.TV execs are currently working on a loosely based American adaptation starring aged Limburger cheese. Hosted by a Joe Rogan-a-like, the reality show will have contestants and a chunk of pedestal-sitting Limburger enclosed in an ATM

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-31969277688896452952007-04-02T12:28:00.000-04:002007-04-02T13:35:39.282-04:00

Virginia man picked as new Maytag Repairman (Associated Press)—Whirlpool Corp. announced Monday that it has selected Clay Jackson of Richmond, Va., as the character promoting the reliability of its Maytag brand of large appliances. It's absolutely shocking that the politically incorrect Maytag Repairman is not a real repair person. My whole worldview has been forever altered. Do actual repair

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-62284373525224655682007-03-08T09:29:00.000-05:002007-03-08T10:29:23.522-05:00

According to the Associated Press, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama got a healthy stack of parking tickets, most of which he never paid, when he attended Harvard Law School in the late 1980s.Who cares? Is the media so desperate to dig up dirt on public figures that they feel the need to report on unpaid parking tickets? He was a Harvard student. Money is tight when you're in school.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1893580436294294392007-02-21T10:34:00.000-05:002007-02-21T11:20:32.730-05:00

From the Associated Press:JAKARTA, Indonesia — The first Sumatran rhino born in captivity in more than 100 years arrived in Indonesia on Tuesday with a single task — to breed and help save the endangered species from extinction. On the condition of anonymity, one caretaker provided Free Sarcasm with the following details:To create the mood the Rhinos were treated to a romantic candlelit dinner

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-35261755878948853012007-01-30T08:17:00.000-05:002007-01-30T09:17:33.508-05:00

The benefits of being a hand model are that people notice when you open a door, put on gloves, or scratch an itch. Historically one of the least populated of all modeling vocations, it's becoming a growth industry as many fugly people explore new career paths.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-55803651601947536352007-01-17T20:17:00.000-05:002007-01-17T10:29:40.948-05:00

On Sunday's 60 Minutes, our “President” referred to himself as "educator-in-chief" when sayng that he often has to explain to people why the war in Iraq is justified.Using similar logic as the Rate My Professor Web site, let's rate his performance as an “educator” thus far:The overall performance of this teacher is: Not looking favorable. Difficulty of Tests: Tic-Tac-Toe is more difficult. How is

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-28858271538413618412007-01-03T08:17:00.000-05:002007-01-03T09:25:42.805-05:00

In most states, drivers are required by state law to yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk (unless they have the walk/don't walk sign at an intersection--in that case yielding to anyone already crossing is optional). Should a squirrel not have the same protection? Sure, they make a nest in your kitchen vent pushing all kinds of debris onto your kitchen floor, make mating sounds at night, and/or

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-52817917425100354492006-12-29T10:48:00.000-05:002006-12-29T11:02:59.004-05:00

In the name of Clark W. Griswold, here are a few observations from the road over the Holidays - - 80 is the new 73 in a 65.- The value menu is now known as the Chock Full of Preservatives, Fat, and Cholesterol on Your Way to a Cardiac Arrest Menu.- The middle finger is still translatable across all borders and, according to Ricky Bobby, now can be found on sale at Target.- "Fines Double in Work

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-18621792592526088472006-12-18T09:18:00.000-05:002006-12-18T09:19:06.058-05:00

After my post about a 4-year-old accused of sexual harassment, I did a little digging in the local Grand Jury's sealed files. What I found was shocking. A few cases awaiting prosecution: 5-year old, Scotty T. stands trial for suspicion of driving under the influence after being pulled over for weaving on his blue Superman bicycle and refusing a breathalizer test. Sally B., age 4, was arrested for

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-21203500565872951722006-12-13T08:17:00.000-05:002006-12-13T10:14:44.334-05:00

Have you heard about this one?4-year-old accused of sexual harrassmentWACO, Texas (Associated Press) — School administrators gave a 4-year-old student an in-school suspension for inappropriately touching a teacher's aide after the pre-kindergartner hugged the woman. The story goes on to say that the "inappropriate physical behavior" happened after he hugged the woman and "rubbed his face in her

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-11886097313766087202006-12-04T08:28:00.000-05:002006-12-29T11:44:50.318-05:00

Dear Santa,This year, I have been a very corrupt little boy. I have shamelessly embezzled and helped my other daddy with his pyramid schemes. And, since I always say thank you, it makes it seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of bankhanded slaps this year!But, since I'm remorseful, please bring the following stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring daddy’s testicles

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-84704185201918667232006-11-28T08:44:00.000-05:002006-12-29T11:45:32.897-05:00

The proliferation of horror movies in recent years has gone well beyond being out of hand. Not only are these movies a plight on the industry, but they are contributing to the dumbing down of teenagers and young adults. It's one thing to release a new movie that is innovative and surprising, but with a new release every several weeks, who would know since it takes all of 2 brain cells to

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-72269937490581790342006-11-24T23:39:00.000-05:002006-11-25T00:07:06.833-05:00

There are reports that Hugh Hefner no longer has the energy for sex and would rather play dominoes.What he isn't saying...Viagra doesn't help anymore. An unnamed source within the Mansion walls has informed Free Sarcasm that the Girls Next Door are relieved, mostly because they will no longer have to fake it and don't have to tolerate the "saggys" anymore. And, with Hef's doctor prescribing an

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1162823503059313742006-11-23T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-23T23:30:02.139-05:00

In homage to Weird Al and his recent release of "Straight Outta Lynwood," I give you a parody of Cutting Crew's eighty's cheese (I Just) Died In Your Arms: (I Just) Died In Your Armpit I keep looking for something pleasant to smellRotting trash lies all around meAnd I don't see an easy way out of your placeSome dairy spoils on the dining room tableThe fridge is closed, but the cat is passed out

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-40305617213951543662006-11-17T08:17:00.000-05:002006-12-05T21:44:14.547-05:00

I'm not a fan of the Country Western genre, but I may have a future as a lyricist:Gator Girl (draft 1)I met her at a truck stop wrestlin' gatorsI can still recall that creepy smile she wore She was crashin' through the guardrail of my heartand I this gator girl was who I always longed forI told her shrink I'd live off her foreverShe said to me man wasn't meant to flyBut who'd have thought she'd

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-15356944690741213352006-11-14T08:17:00.000-05:002006-12-05T21:45:10.555-05:00

The Democratic party should propose a trade with the GOP where they acquire the elephant as their party symbol for the donkey and a non-partisan vote to be named later.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-91968173090812143572006-11-11T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T13:18:36.254-05:00

Our "leader" G. Dubs used his weekly radio address to say this week's ground-shaking election results (i.e. the Democrats takeover of Congress) is not a sign of U.S. weakness.Of course it's not an indication of the U.S. being weak. It's a reflection of what his poor leadership decisions has done to his own party. Has he seen his approval rating lately?In obvious denial, he should hope that he

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1162923830376748072006-11-08T08:17:00.000-05:002006-12-05T21:46:03.785-05:00

If you haven't forked over the ten bucks to see Borat, go to the theater near you... RIGHT NOW. If you're saying "Eh, not interested," then you're an idiot. What? You don't like to laugh. The dialogue, the situations he creates, and the slapstick are hilarious. The best comedy in years.Besides, the Borat character is genius. Through his ignorance, the ignorance of many of the people he encounters

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1160667590047181252006-10-16T08:17:00.000-04:002006-12-05T21:47:02.244-05:00

who don't put Mr. T in their pocket.Once kids stop asking "who the f@#& is Mr. T," this keychain will be the most sought after Christmas gift. Oh, and don't forget to watch TV's 1 millionth reality show, I Pity the Fool, Wednesdays this fall only on TV Land."Don't Gimme No Back Talk, Sucka."

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1158761214946640372006-09-20T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:45.393-05:00

Actual conversation...Operator: TBS, how may I direct your call.Me: Yeah, there's a situation here, and I need to know if it's funny.Operator: Sir, we don't actually take phone calls related to our ad campaign.Me: Does that guy who plays the ghost on Harry Potter take the calls?Operator: Sir...Me: Can you forward me to him? Operator: Sir, he's only an actor.Me: I'm sure he's not only an

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1157650644896868602006-09-07T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:44.971-05:00

I write to express my sincere appreciation to you for making a staircase that I frequent (which shall remain nameless) smell like a foul, unclean urinal. This must be an exciting time for you. With security and law enforcement on high alert, you must get such an adrenaline rush as you stagger to your urinary post and let the good times flow. Any minute now, you could be caught. However, to stop

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1155736990385590852006-08-23T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:44.271-05:00

Free Sarcasm, One serving per entry. Product Details:Supports the free distribution of sarcasm. 100,500 mg of sarcastic, satirical or ironic utterances designed to mock individuals, corporations, governing bodies or persons, etc. Facts:Non-clinical and laboratory studies show that sarcasm maintains normal laughing, head shaking, eye rolling and smirking reflexes. These beneficial reactions have

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1155650451049951982006-08-15T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:43.974-05:00

Sure, the castaways had a washing machine powered by a bamboo bicycle. But, there clothing never looked worn or tattered, which will happen when you’re periodically running from headhunters. And, no wrinkles on anybody's clothing...come on; I never once saw a bamboo iron. Don't get me started on how many times they recycled their undergarments. Isn't it obvious? Sherwood Schwartz had no sense of

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1154962545402109892006-08-07T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:43.583-05:00

the new trend in physical fitness: Synchronized Treadmill DancingPractice patience while the video loads. The exercise shown is not necessarily encouraged by Free Sarcasm. Video courtesy of SugarJar.com and the MilkandCookies Network.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1154368086624800452006-07-31T20:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:42.810-05:00

"With a wardrobe change and a solid running mate, California Governor would have been mine, fool!"

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1154005789757775182006-07-27T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:42.561-05:00

coming soon after the shock therapy sessions are over.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1152715647261748382006-07-14T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:42.297-05:00

It made national news. Boston's young Central Artery underground roadway (aka the Big Dig) is marred again, this time by tragedy. A woman was killed and a man injured Monday night when several 3-ton ceiling panels in a Big Dig connector tunnel collapsed onto their car, crushing it. What is considered a solution to what was a continuous economic and quality-of-life drain on Boston and New England,

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1152106065258428182006-07-06T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:40.945-05:00

NEW YORK (AP) - A 160-pound wonder from Japan [Takeru Kobayashi] set a new record by devouring a sickening 53 3/4 frankfurters in 12 minutes to win the annual Independence Day hot dog eating competition on Coney Island.Not taking anything away from the champ, but the whole hot-dog eating contest thing is a little overdone. How about something more challenging? A red savina habanero pepper, the

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1152105746425970572006-07-05T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:40.666-05:00

Happy 60th Birthday to G.Dub's. Check out this AP photo by Pablo Martinez Monsivais:We took the liberty of editing the caption: Bush thinks "Hmmm...that Jason Biggs guy used an apple pie, I wonder what cake feels like."

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1151418331560431642006-06-27T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:40.053-05:00

Was in a toy section the other day looking for a gift and came across a toy taser. After sticking it into my abdomen a few times, I thought what the hell. A toy taser?What are kids being exposed to? I searched the Web and was happy to not find the product anywhere, although there was a "Catwoman w/ whipping action & taser gun." Wrong on so many levels. Also came across several stories about

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1149104304205819182006-06-20T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:38.860-05:00

A new trend in personal technology, tracking the activities of young family members, is being called "Big Mother." GPS capabilities in each child's cell phone lets parents track their kids' whereabouts. Sprint Nextel Corp. recently introduced Family Locator and Verizon Wireless unveiled Chaperone, both for $9.99 a month.There are some pros, the most significant being that the technology would

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1149950073812049032006-06-12T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:39.555-05:00

More like what the hell? I recently received this offensive forward from a relative:It was sent to a group of people, including other relatives.I replied to all: "Because we live in the land of the free and a land of opportunities. Obviously, not everybody who lives in this country speaks fluent English and nor should they be expected to. English is one of the most difficult languages to learn

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1149170197762939892006-06-01T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:39.211-05:00

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Israeli scientists said on Wednesday they had discovered a prehistoric ecosystem dating back millions of years. The discovery was made in a cave near the central Israeli city of Ramle during rock drilling at a quarry. Scientists were called in and soon found eight previously unknown species of crustaceans and invertebrates similar to scorpions.The rumor is that Starbucks and

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1148675808996188482006-05-27T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:38.488-05:00

UnafarterMain Entry: un·a·far·ter Pronunciation: "yun-ah-far-tur"Function: nounEtymology: New American una farten; akin to Old High German una ferzan1 : a perpetrator of unexplained and violent flatulance that leaves his/her victims confused and disoriented. 2 : one who farts violentlySample sentence: Scott was a renowned unafarter, with his guests often leaving abrubtly because of the lingering

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1148089140190897192006-05-22T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:38.252-05:00

WASHINGTON (AP) - The White House took both sides in a dispute over English being the national language Friday as a broad immigration bill moved toward a final Senate vote next week with one conservative predicting it will never become law. Bush's support for the dueling sides doesn't stray from his long-held view on learning English, said White House press secretary Tony Snow. "What the

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1141759019423490652006-05-16T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:32.670-05:00

It owns you like smack owns a junkie. You want it. You need it. You suffer thru all the symptoms of withdrawal without it. It's invigorating and eye-opening effect has you hooked. "It's not the coffee, it's the caffeine fool." Well, a Pepsi might be refreshing, but it doesn't cast the same spell as our percolated friend. Plus, it has a multi-functionality as it provides an energy boost,

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1147107333497002652006-05-08T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:36.971-05:00

TEHRAN, Iran - Iran's leader has written to President Bush proposing "new solutions" to their differences in the first letter from an Iranian head of state to an American president in 27 years, a government spokesman said Monday.In another Free Sarcasm coup, we've acquired a copy of the above mentioned letter through an unnamed source. The proposed "new solutions" are very interesting. Here are

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1141496273124306562006-05-04T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:29.445-05:00

In honor of the friends of Free Sarcasm who have passed on their DNA, here's a guide to use when junior is all growns up and you're looking for the right words. "I don't know, can you." The waiting game was on for you to ask "May I...?" May I flip Billy with a rubber band? Please!"If everybody was jumping off a bridge, would you too?" Yeah, I'm that stupid. Does that apply to passing the ganja

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1145893213454475432006-04-24T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:36.558-05:00

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A controversial television séance airing on Monday will claim it has reached the spirit of John Lennon, but viewers will have to pay $9.95 to find out what the peace-loving Beatle has to say. Free Sarcasm thinks that a few people have watched Poltergeist way too many times. It's possible that the spirits of the deceased can communicate thru various mediums. But, we're

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1141346560335998522006-04-19T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:26.333-05:00

or you're on a first date, think of this dialogue from Wedding Crashers:Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you! Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn): [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1143814647256044512006-04-07T08:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:35.977-05:00

...the next time they call. Since, the so-called National Do Not Call registry doesn't seem to work, I've experimented with various tactics recently. Try one on and see if it fits. - Once they're on the line, and start their spiel, say "uh huh" a couple of times, put the phone down, and walk away. Script reading, some won't stop for a while and will ramble on. - Hand the phone over to a kid.

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1141330575508804752006-04-04T20:17:00.000-04:002006-11-11T12:08:24.969-05:00

With the baseball season still fresh and new like an untainted diaper, I pulled this from the email archives. Yankees fans, guard your precious feelings and egos (but, really, who cares about your feelings). If you're a fan of one of the other 29 MLB teams, this should amuse you.The author is unknown, but odds are pretty good that he/she lives in the northeast.FW: Newest Member of Red Sox NationA

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1143643602847581652006-03-30T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:08:35.357-05:00

Mainstream phrases and sayings have to get their start somewhere. My offerings to pop culture...all involving bread and butter:1. I have better bread to butter. (higher purpose in life)2. (Insert university here) will butter the bread of your mind. (college recruitment top 10 list)3. Where will your bread be buttered? (motivational poster)4a. Dude, I buttered her bread last night. (he said)4b. He

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1140729064035754252006-03-28T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:08:19.379-05:00

I haven't since fulfilling my lifelong dream of being a Tug Boat Captain, but I think back to those days and fondly cringe.From Office Space:(Peter, played by Ron Livinston, meets with the "Efficiency Experts")BOB SLYDELLY'see, what we're trying to do here, we're just trying to get a feel for how people spend their day. So, if you would, would you just walk us through a typical day for you?

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1142704706403735802006-03-21T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:08:34.846-05:00

Ever participated in a sleep study? Free Sarcasm has done the research. Let's break it down... The sleep center asks you to arrive around 9 pm with your jammies, toiletries, and other accoutrements. After check in, you wait around in your room, which the staff disguises as relaxation time. (They’re really watching you from their command center, placing bets on whether you’ll sleep, and referring

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1142350536595693762006-03-14T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:08:34.597-05:00

(From the AP) PITTSBURGH - Thomas Burns, of New Castle, contends he was denied his First Amendment free speech rights when he was cited for giving the finger to a construction worker in April, according to a federal lawsuit filed Monday in Pittsburgh. Burns had become frustrated with a traffic delay and showed the gesture at a construction worker. The worker reported it to a police officer, who

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1142273109245017792006-03-13T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:08:34.337-05:00

...and recall college memories, get the munchies, and appreciate your annual 3% raise...Hot and cold running beer... (from Reuters)A woman thought she was in heaven when beer instead of water flowed from the taps in her apartment in west Norway. Gundersen said she tried the beer but that it tasted a bit odd and was not fizzy.College students everywhere are thinking: "Lady, who cares if the beer

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1141915047790450832006-03-11T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:08:33.502-05:00

...and nod your head, shake your head, or simply roll your eyes.New Animal Resembling Furry Lobster Found (from the AP):A team of American-led divers has discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific that resembles a lobster and is covered with what looks like silky, blond fur, French researchers said Tuesday. Scientists said the animal, which they named Kiwa hirsuta, was so distinct from

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1141702379081853022006-03-09T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:08:32.388-05:00

But, what needs shaken? A soul overhaul? Backburner that and will consider purchasing "Rituals for Springtime Soul Cleansing" by Barbara Biziou, after it lands on the discount rack or is being given away. This change has to be external and aesthetic. Some possibilities:1. Teeth. Sometimes have a coffee tint, but I brush and brush and brush. Besides, I can follow George Washington's example if

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1141224975154227932006-03-06T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:08:21.990-05:00

With pothole season nearing its' end and in the spirit of making it another day without needing major repairs, I offer a parody, of sorts, titled:"The Potholed Road Taken:"TWO roads diverged in Somerville,And sorry I had to travel eitherAnd be one driver, long I idledAnd looked down one as far as I couldTo where it disappeared in the smog;Then looked at the other, condition just as poor,And

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1133549677005601862006-03-02T08:17:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:08:18.416-05:00

...not slim shady. Not even Earl. And, don't call me Shirley. I'd planned to launch this sucker on my 30th birthday and share it with the masses, who would then teach the world to sing. It could've been the perfect first post with clichéd gems like "well, it's all down hill from here" and "I'm one day closer to 40." Instead, being a procrastinator and not wanting people to remember the exact day

Free Sarcasmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165542858276574748noreply@blogger.com10